


I'm Still Here

by Fireshadow1328



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Hospitals, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 01:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fireshadow1328/pseuds/Fireshadow1328
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a car accident, Adam is left comatose. His mind, however, remains alert.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> The writing style that you see here is very different from my usual one. The tenses are probably gonna be a little messed up because this is the first time I've ever written in this way. Criticism is welcome.

I try to open my eyes, fighting against the agonizing pain that keeps wanting to drag me back under. My head is pounding so hard that I'm afraid it might actually split open. I'm so tired. Why can't my eyes unseal themselves? The silence of this place scares me. Am I in a hospital? It definitely sounds like I am. There's a constant, rhythmic beeping noise nearby and I can feel something lining the bridge of my nose and lower perimeter of my mouth. There is something hard surrounding my neck and my right arm.

My eyes... They can't open! I try and try, but they just stay shut. My limbs won't move, either. I'm terrified. The last thing that I can remember is the loud squeal of tires and the deafening screech of metal scraping against metal before everything went black.

Everything hurts so much. My head, my limbs, my body, even my fucking bones! I can't cry out because my body _won't fucking let me!_ Exhausted, I give up fighting and slip back into the hazy world of unconsciousness.

When I wake again, I hear someone crying softly near my head. A hauntingly familiar scent fills my nostrils. Sauli. I attempt to call out his name, but my efforts are fruitless. A cold hand clutches mine. I hear him come closer to my ear. His breaths are shaky from his sobbing. A tear falls onto my right cheek. No, my baby, please don't cry...

Sauli is sniffling a little louder now. He puts his head on my shoulder and starts whispering to me. "Please, darling. You can make it through this. You're strong. You'll recover. Please, please recover." His voice falters a couple of times. I can feel my heart break a little for him. I long to reach up and put my arms around him, to hold him. But... I can't.

It hurts more than I can bear.

After a while, Sauli's breathing evens out and I assume that he has fallen asleep. I picture him with his eyes tightly shut, cheeks stained by salty tears. For a moment, I wish that our roles were reversed, just so that I can bear his pain for him. It took me a while to realize that, it wouldn't actually matter because if he were me, he would still be hurting, except it would be both physically and emotionally instead of just the latter.

Deep breathing eventually gives way to light snoring as I listen. I want to time my breaths according to Sauli's, but I can't. It's frustrating, to say the least, that I cannot even do that _._ I only want some form of connection with Sauli other than his touch. Is that too much to ask for?

I feel so weary from all the emotions flitting through me. Sauli's warmth is comforting and _real_ , and it isn't long before I lose consciousness again.

I don't know how long it has been since my mind first became alert. It feels like a terribly extended period of time. So many people have been by my bedside, most of them crying. All this while, my entire body refuses to cooperate. I just... lie here, immobile, while people sat by my bedside and wept, talked to me or held my hand. Most of the time, they beg me through choked sobs to wake up. They tell me that nothing is the same without me, that my fans are in a state of wretched frenzy, desperate for any sort of update they can get from anyone. I can't tell them that I'm _here,_ with them, no matter how hard I try. But I never stop trying, because if by some miracle I manage it, maybe I would start regaining control of my body.

Hope is supposed to be an uplifting thing, but it has become an uncomfortable knot in my belly, growing bigger each day. I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my days in this state of paralysis. I yearn to sing my despair and vexation out. I long to reassure everyone that I'm fine, but being unable to communicate in any way means that I can't.

Mom's with me today. She's crying so hard and I feel so bad for not being able to hug it all better. She whispers to me shakily, "Adam, you've got to wake up. You've been asleep for almost a year, why won't you wake up? _Why?_ " She wails and starts hitting me. On my arm, my chest, everywhere. I don't know what I did wrong, but I want to apologize, scream, cry for hurting her so much. The only thing can do is the lie on the bed, still as a statue, while she continues to hit me. My flesh is stinging where her palms connects with my skin. Each blow shoves a stake deeper and deeper into my heart. It's agonizing to know that the woman who has been strong all my life is crying and hurting because of _me_.

Someone comes in to pull Mom away from me and she starts to sob even louder. Another person comes to my side with trembling breaths and caresses my face. Immediately, I know that it's Sauli. My heart aches when he starts humming softly to me. It's been a year and he's still waiting for me to wake up. I can't believe that it's been so long. His voice soothes me a little, just enough for me to go back to sleep again.

After that incident, I've stopped trying to fight against whatever's rendering me immobile. I figure that since nothing has changed throughout the past year even though I've been fighting so hard, nothing's going to change any time soon. It must have been a while since I've given up fighting before my heart rate suddenly drops. I'm not sure what caused it, but I do know that I'm scared. There are noises all around me, shouting, the clang of metal, crying. The noises start to become distorted and distant, like they are coming from one end of a tunnel while I'm standing at the other.

Realisation suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks. I want to scream, yell, screech to the heavens about the unfairness of it all. _I don't want to die!_

Even though the sounds are becoming all mixed up, I can hear my mother and Sauli screaming my name. They start getting more and more muffled and I can't smell Sauli's cologne any more. No, _no_ , don't go! _Don't fucking go!_ I need to tell them that I love them, that I'm sorry for hurting them. More muffled noises. Silence.

It's as if my tumultuous feelings suddenly get disconnected, only to be replaced by a wretched acceptance and an eerie calm.

I want to tell my mother and Sauli not to worry about me. I wish that I could tell them that I'll be fine and I love them.

But I don't think I'll ever get the chance.


End file.
